hi.

19 August 2016

hi.

i have tried several times to write this post.
sometimes, i hit the backspace button so often, it's all the more discouraging. today, i feel like it's really gonna happen. here's hoping!

it's been 6 months, give or take, since i've publicly communicated with the quilting world. i've had a few of those "close" friends, within the community, reach out to me. and lately, i've received several inquires on my whereabouts, updated teaching schedules, and possible new pattern releases.

here's the whole truth.
the day before my last blog post, my daddy was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 lung cancer. the only reason my last post was actually posted, is because it was already prepped and scheduled for posting prior to our devastating news. (thank goodness.)

this year, has been nothing short of a blur. being that i'm the only one of us children in the state of georgia, i've been the kid here for my daddy. we've endured every imaginable up & down that comes with the cancer territory.

at daddy's diagnosis appointment, it was carefully explained to us that chemo wouldn't cure him. it would only be utilized as a tool to contain the cancer that had already spread. and that chemo would also be used to prolong his life. the room spun. i felt like i was watching a movie of someone else's life. i did "okay" in the oncologist's office, but the minute my daddy left my driveway, i broke down. at this very minute, i can clearly think of that day, and my heart just aches at the thought of what my children might've seen. (to be clear, it's the brokenness i speak of. i didn't hit anyone or break things. i just cried and sobbed uncontrollably for several hours.)

i know it's said often, but now i can, with every fiber of my being, shout to the masses, that "i hate cancer." experiencing this firsthand, with a parent, has to be one of the most heartbreaking things in the world. (please don't read that as a belittling statement. i know there are parents of cancerous children going through this. i'm just speaking from my own personal feelings.)

i went back & forth, for the longest time, on what is/was the "right" or "wrong" thing to say to y'all. i've recently come to realize, that there isn't a right or wrong. although, we live in a society that is offended by EVERYTHING, it's up to me on what i put out there about myself. maybe this post is more about me "getting it out" instead of me telling you where i've been. i don't know.

so, here it is.
i'm mostly a mess.
sure, some days are better than others.
sometimes, i can fake it 'til i make it.
but other times, it's all i do to not completely fall apart.

treatment weeks are hard.
the days following treatment are harder.
watching my big, strong father wither away, is harder still.
with every treatment and hospitalization, i feel like a piece of me dies.

we had a great report one prior visit. we were told that although my daddy was as sick and fragile as he was, the chemotherapy was working beautifully. we were even told that the cancer, which had spread to two main places in his body, was shrinking. the official report was that it had shrunk 50-60%. we had a glimpse of hope. i remember that day vividly as well.

the chemotherapy did start making my daddy so sick, that the oncologist suggested a "break" from treatment. even during the break, my dad was in and out of the hospital. after a while, he started to feel better. he even looked better. he was looking like my daddy again.

then, we went for another CT scan.
the results were devastating, yet again.
the official results were that the cancer was growing at an alarming rate. the exact phrasing was, "your cancer is very angry."
this is where we had the quality vs quantity conversation. yet again, another day that felt like i was watching someone else's life in a movie.

and to top it off, during his most recent hospitalization, we discovered that my daddy needed surgery to remove kidney stones.

we're all adults. we know the world can be a cruel place. we know that life isn't fair. and that we can't always get what we want. does this knowledge make things any easier whatsoever? hell no, it doesn't.

i'm sad.
i'm angry.
i'm devastated.
i'm hopeful.
i'm defeated.
i'm exhausted.
but i'm also thankful.

i've tried, several times, to picture what this situation would be like if i was still living in ohio. i thank god (& my husband) that i moved home over two years ago. well, we moved, not just i, but georgia is my home state. y'all know what i mean. anyways, i just can't grasp the notion of not being with my daddy during this time.

i really and truly try to be positive.
it's easier said than done, but i give it my all.

some positive things that i try to focus on:
--daddy is still living and fighting his cancer
--our oldest, jackson, is a freshman and he played his first game of high school football last night (they won!)
--our youngest, lindsey, is in kindergarten
--our middles, melanie & andrew, are my favorite "little" longhorn cheerleader & football player and they are now in 5th and 4th grade
--my husband holds me when i need held, cheers me up whenever i'm down, and encourages my "i need to go see my daddy right now" moments

i have recently had a desire to quilt. i think it's a form therapy i might need. maybe it'll help me feel like i can create something beautiful during this point in time. i don't really know. i'm winging it a lot these days. BUT i have actually had the itch to sit at my machine after months. i'm sure that means something, right?

i know PS I QUILT is a space where everything is supposed to be beautiful and inspiring, but life isn't always that way, is it? i can't be true to myself if i only show y'all the "highlights" of my life. and maybe i'm just being a little selfish. maybe i just need/want something back in my life that isn't entirely about cancer, my daddy, my kids, or my husband. does that make sense?

i hope this "needing to create things with fabric" feeling sticks around. i never know what i'll wake up to, so i can't make promises. if i do have the ability to sit at my machine and share it here, i will. i don't know when i'll post again, or what it'll even be about. i do know, it's just comforting knowing that i have this space to be me; wether it's good, bad, inspiring, honest, beautiful or ugly.

xo, rachel

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88 comments:

NorahS said...

I am so sorry! (((Big hugs.))) I've missed you. Glad your hubby is helping you along.

my2cents said...

Prayers for everyone.

Kirsty@Bonjour said...

Oh, Rachel, I'm so, so sorry. What a hard time for you and your family. Let this space be whatever you need it to be, and I hope you can keep finding some relief in sewing. Sending lots of love x x

Reba said...

well...........your daddy is lucky to have such a loving daughter. having just escaped having full blown uterine cancer, i became aware of how much my family loves me. that is such a healing feeling. i guess i am telling you this because i am SURE your daddy is thriving on your love these days. it's all about LOVE in the beginning and to the end.

chook said...

sending you big hugs

Hildy said...

I'm so sorry to hear that your dad is so ill. A year ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer but they found it quiet early and could remove it and she didn't need chemo. But she was really weak iduring radiotheraphy and still suffers from the ill effects. I hope that your dad fight and you have a bit more time with him. All the hugs and good wishes in the world to you and your family.

Ellyn said...

praying for you, your dad & your sweet family. I'm so sorry.

Andrea H. said...

Having walked the cancer walk with my mom, and being the only sibling in the state, I can completely understand. Take care of you first and foremost. Enjoy every minute with your father even when those minutes aren't the best. If fabric and thread brings you to a peaceful place, find 15 minutes each day just for you. If it doesn't, don't apologize for your lack of desire. Life is different in this snippet. I will be praying for you and your family. Love from a fellow Georgia girl!

Pieces of Cotton said...

I'm so sorry. I know how ugly it is to see someone struggle with aggressive cancer. Please do take some time for yourself, whether it's sewing or a weekend away. The caregivers are so drained in these situations.

Michelle B. said...

You are correct cancer sucks big time. I lost my dad to cancer three months ago so I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers during his treatment.

Laurie said...

Beautiful post. I hope writing it helped you a bit. It was a huge step. Thank you. Please know each of us who reads your words will be thinking positive thoughts/sending prayers/pouring out love for you and for your family. Some of us have been where you are now and understand from a very personal place.
I do hope quilting or sorting threads or just touching fabric helps you in some way. It's been a lifeline for me so many times. Big hugs.

Mary on Lake Pulaski said...

Hugs Rachel.

sunny said...

I've been through the loss of a parent to cancer. And it sucks. As difficult as it is, be very grateful that you're there for him. And for you. Life is not all sunshine and unicorns, and this is your blog, so post whatever you need to. I think our relationships grow stronger as we decide to get real, and deal with the less 'pretty' parts of life. Hugs and prayers.

Brooke @ little b quilts said...

Oh Rachel! I am so sorry you all have to go through this, but so glad that you are able to be there with you father! I am sure that it means the world to him. Hope a little quilting therapy gives you a boost. ��

Mama Spark said...

Big hugs, sweetie! Hang in there! Xo

Tonya Reichard said...

Rachel, Enjoy being with your father - the blog will come later. Stitching may help you with your feelings and get you thru some tough times. Remember, we are all here for you and send best wishes, blessings and prayers your way.

Ruth S. said...

Thank you for being able to share such a difficult challenge in your life right now. We are here for you.

Lolsews said...

I understand. I was with my daddy every day for about six months and not being able to change anything broke my heart. I am still haunted by memories of him near the end, but I can think of him now without crying (at least most of the time). Daddies are very special people and losing them is almost unbearable. I'm so sorry you are feeling all of this pain but you really will get through this. It takes time, but you will eventually be able to think of him without hurting. PS - don't be shy about asking for help for yourself from Hospice. Those people are amazing.

Debby C said...

Sending joy. May you find a little every day.

Marilyn said...

Such beautifully written words straight from your heart. Spending this time with your dad and adding to your bank of memories is so important right now. Sending you loving hugs.

Bonnie Preslar said...

You and your Daddy are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that you feel alone and hurt, but cling to those who love and support you and your Daddy through all of this. Love him and spend as much time you can with him. God bless and strengthen you all.

Beth said...

Oh, Rachel. Sadly, so many of us have gone through, or are going through what you and your family are going through. Thank you for trusting us with your experience. And you can be sure we understand. We'll be here when you have something to share, quilty or otherwise. Sending you love.

Sew Create It - Jane said...

Sending you the biggest hug I can from across the pond! Hope you and your family continue to count those little blessings to get you through the toughest days! ((hugs)) 💜

GeeMa said...

A lot of us have walked the walk you are walking. It's not an easy walk. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. We're here if you need us.

Rosemary B❤️ said...

Dear Rachel, big hugs.
Boy oh boy, I know.
When you shared about the screaming breakdown after your dad left, I know that. I did that. hours - days.
My big sister had a stroke (smoking) at age 48!!! in 2000.
They could not help her. lots of details...
I came home from the hospital and, ... yes, I went nuts.
Please. Do not work on healing, just take good care of yourself. Know that you are loved and prayed for. You do not have to share anything, but I know where your heart is. I know. I believe there are a lot of your readers that have been in this suffocating dark place too. Meltdowns are okay. it is how we release our huge load of emotions and piled up thoughts and worries.
It certainly was God's will to bring you closer to your daddy. Just love him to bits. share everything with your dad and your family, your kids. We learn a lot about ourselves in times of family crisis. Some ways we get strong, other ways we are so weak.
I am praying for all of you. Just know that you are surrounded by a huge cushion of love and protection.

ultraorganized said...

You are doing everything humanly possible - being there is half the fight - prayers for all of you.

Janet M said...

Hi Sweetie - don't be hard on yourself. Whatever you are feeling is ok. My heart is breaking for you - you are not alone.

B. Reddy said...

You don't have to explain one darn thing to us, but we're glad you did. Do what you have to, what you need to and what you want to. We will be here to celebrate, rejoice, mourn, cry, laugh and smile with you when you are ready to share. Even if you're not.

Bland McPherson

Nicky said...

That really is the worst of times you are going through. I think you should give sewing a go - just to be in the moment as a therapy - if you can. I know I've been stitching like mad as my kids are going through depression and it has really helped.

I am sure you will find your way through this and your family and friends are going to help you. Bless you and your family.

Barbara McD said...

Knew something was wrong and was hoping for the best. I'm so sorry to hear about your Daddy - will be keeping y'all in my prayers!

scottylover said...

Sending you and your family big hugs and prayers.
Sandy

Tammy said...

Oh Rachel, my heart breaks for you and the grief you are going through. Thank you for sharing your story and pray for healing.

Pamela said...

Praying for you, Rachel. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but I am glad that you are able to be there for your daddy. Thanks for letting us know.

jackiero said...

OMGosh Rachel {{{long virtual HUG}}} I haven't perfect words at this moment. What I can convey is you are in my heart, I have read your words since Brad's music played in the background, you just had #1 baby. I love how you love. I love how you share. I love your talents. Your love of fabric inspired me to enjoy moving out my comfort zone of reproductions into a lot of white space adorning brights �� And I thought of you last week, almost contacted you, changed my mind thinking you needed air space. I figured this was the Lord tweaking my Rachel button, and here your are. Sending you blessings, the Lord knows what they are. Hang in there, life has all you feel. {{Hug}} Jackie in NC

Charlotte M. said...

I am so sorry. I too have missed you. I spent last year going through cancer myself. Not as severe as your daddy's, but devastating in its own way. Your journey sounds so familiar. You are doing all the things you can. Hang in there. We will always be here when and if you want to be here, for whatever you need us for. I will keep you and your daddy in my prayers Rachel. And sew whenever you feel it, no matter what kind of sewing it is, it is healing, as I have found.

Karen Ackva said...

The time with your family is so much more important than the virtual internet world. Cherish those around you! Sew for your soul. I too found out that my dad had stage four lung cancer (three years ago). He kived no more than two minths after being diagnosed. It sucks! He was 66. I just lost my mom to liver disease followed by sepsis of the blood just two weeks ago. She was almost 66. It sucks! It is not easy to deal with...stay strong! Sew for your soul. Enjoy the little thing in life. ; )

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry to hear. Hugs to you!

MaryBeth said...

I won't say I know what you're going through. Everyone's experience is different. I lost my dad to lung cancer 35 years ago and my sister to esophageal cancer 20 years ago. Both losses were devastating and I still miss them (especially my dear sister). I won't say I miss them everyday, it does get less painful with time. But it still hits me out of the blue sometimes and I still cry. Please know there are others sharing your suffering, even if we don't really know you. We're out there praying for you and your family and sending positive "vibes" to you to help you through. You're very courageous to share with us. Never listen to negative people or things. You are loved and CANCER SUCKS!!

chapman1531 said...

I have been where you are,23 years and 3 months ago. It's like a marathon, sweet sister, except much of it is spent running in what seems like an alternate universe. The gift of a loving father is even more difficult to return to His creator. Mine was a stellar Daddy, and so letting go was the hardest hing I've had to do so far in my 61 years. I still miss him, but I now have tears of joy when he comes to mind. That's progress.
Cancer is just plain evil. I hate it, though hate is not a strong enough word. You were honest with us, which I think is the absolute right thing to be. Always.
May I be honest with you and all here? Most modern medicine cancer treatment fails. In fact, it kills. This is my informed opinion. I do not wish to argue this on this site. Please, friends, just take this as my offering today.
We must educate ourselves before it happens again, to us or a family member. Go to THETRUTHABOUTCANCER.COM, GREENMEDINFO.COM, there are so many valuable websites and free online webinars. Learn from the experts treating and curing cancer around the world. It will remove your fear of the big "C" word, and help you know, in advance, what you will choose as a path should you have to face this evil foe.
I've lost 6 friends in the past 5 years my age who I watched die a slow and painful chemo, radiation, surgery treatment death. I've also watched three friends (bear in mind, we are ALL in our 50's and 60's!) choose traditional and integrative medicine therapies that have led back to health. Is it easy? No way. But, it is out there, you'll just have to seek it. There's a reason such therapies are hidden and suppressed, but that's a whole ''nother discussion."
God bless you Rachael, for being there and choosing to love though the incredible pain. I'll be here at your blog whenever you're ready to return. Till then, take care of YOU dear friend💕

Tamie said...

I'm so sorry to hear of the rough months your family has had. The lesson I learned from a situation similar a few years back is to trust your gut. If you need to go see him, do it. If you feel like sewing, go for it. Just don't come to the other side wishing you had done a, b or c. I was fortunate to have a wonderful husband that really stepped in with the children as I was on autopilot. You are right, the whole thing sucks. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers and pray for a gentle journey for your father.

lilyrose said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news. I will be praying for you and your family.

Robin said...

You have been missed but family should always come first. Your father is a very lucky man to have such a compassionate daughter. Take your time and come back to your blog only when the time feels right for you. In the meantime I will pray for your daddy, and for strength for you to get through this horrible journey.

Teresa said...

I am so sorry to hear about your daddy - my dad went through this too about 5 years ago - we found out about 6 weeks prior to his passing. My brother, mom and myself were his caregivers - he had good and bad days - he went to the Casino and played the machines when he felt good. He sat in the yard and enjoyed the sun when it was warm. Mostly, he spent his last days with his family around him. It was the hardest yet most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. I don't regret a moment of being there when my dad passed. I think you will find peace as well. We were given no options at all. I am glad that you have been given some extra time with your dad - I pray that he stays pain free and you both experience the best of days during this time. Take care. Teresa

Connie Teasley said...

I'm so sorry. You do what you need to do at this time. I do hope you get your interest back at the sewing machine but if you don't that ok too. Thinking of you.

Judy Forkner said...

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time right now. I'm sure you're a huge comfort to your dad, and I sure sewing/creating will be a comfort to you! Hugs...

jasann said...

Dear Rachel. my heart and prayers go out to you and your Daddy and your family, try to stay strong but when you need to dry, cry. love and hugs...................

Sandy D said...

We are here to listen. So many of us have gone or will go through your pain and it is therapy for us all. Hugs.

Jan said...

It's your space to say whatever you want, Rachel. It's such a hard thing to go through (my darling dad, lung cancer too) and it's a day by day thing. You're being such a good, brave daughter and I'm glad your husband and family are there for you because you need comforting too. Best wishes to you and your family and to your father.

Teresa@magazineyourhome said...

Having my husband still fighting brain cancer I know what you must be going through. The pain of seeing your loved one suffering is almost too much to bear. My heart goes out to you and your dear father. I will pray that you find some measure of peace in your quilting.

JEllen said...

beautiful post rachel. you really did an awesome job of describing this horrid journey. it is so incredibly hard to navigate day to day, even hour to hour. huge hugs and know you have so any people thinking of you and praying for peace and comfort.

Barbie Z said...

Rachel, I am so sorry for what you and your dad are going through. I've worked for years as a hospice RN and I strongly encourage you and/or your dad to ask his oncologist about hospice. It really sounds like your dad would benefit from it and I know you will be amazed at how much support and help you get too. You can ask for just an informational meeting with hospice to learn about it without any obligation. Medicare covers the service but so do many private insurance companies. Your dad is lucky to have you! Good luck...

Mimi said...

Hugs for your heart coming from MI.

Deb Cox said...

I am so sorry. Do what you need to do and we shall be here when you appear (or not) Rachael. You wrote a very moving post my dear in this extremely difficult time. Again, I am so sorry for what you are all going through with your beloved Dad. Please take care.

Motherdragon's Musings said...

Sending hugs from Australia. I am sad for you and your family at such devastating news. Maybectry a small sewing/quilting project, something light and happy to keep you otherwise, not occupied, but something to take your mind off things. xo

Christine Binek said...

I am so sorry to hear about your daddy. He's lucky to have you with him.
Stay strong for him and you. It seems like you are doing everything you could for him. They do have Hospice people you could speak to convey your feelings about all this. When my Mom was going through cancer, a Hospice nurse from the hospital spoke with me and offered me support.

If you have a minister that you can speak with, I'm sure he can comfort you too as well as our Lord if you are a believer.

You take care of yourself, stress can do many crazy things to our immune system. Hugs to you

Irene spiezio said...

Sending prayers to you and your family. You can vent all you want, there are times in life when we all want to vent. Quilting always makes me forget for awhile.

Chris said...

Sending hugs.

Gloria Cotten said...

Reading through your beautiful but painful words and then those of your readers I am hoping you can see how much you are loved and missed and that it comforts you. Like so many others, I am so, so sorry and I am praying for you.

Tracie said...

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. You sound like an amazing daughter who has an amazing daddy. I'm sure you are grateful for that every day. I pray you feel the love and support of all those around you. God bless.

Beth Strand said...

Rachel, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad's cancer. Hang it there. I'm sure your dad is so grateful you are there.

Lynsey Jane said...

I'm so so sorry to hear your news, I can't comprehend what you are feeling but my love and prayers go out to you and your family, it sounds like you are being an amazing daughter and I hope you find creating gives you something to focus on

CherylB said...

I cannot imagine how you must feel and the onslaught of different emotions you are dealing with. Put all the emotions you have into a quilt representing your Daddy. If you're angry, go in that sewing room and rip through some fabric, if you're feeling all the love you have for your Daddy, go in that sewing room and put beauty into that quilt.
I wish you peace.
I'm recovering. 8 weeks from double mastectomy with reconstruction. Although I'm not the stage 4. I'm a cancer survivor.

EmileeHope said...

So sorry you and your father/family are going thru this. Praying for comfort and strength for all.

Diane Harris said...

Oh Rachel, I am so sorry to hear this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Peaches1003 said...

Oh that sucks. I don't have any words of wisdom that will make you feel better but I am sending you a virtual hug. Look after yourself xx

B DeGayner said...

So sorry to hear of what you and family are going through! It is a blessing that you have had such a strong, loving relationship with your father.
As for the blog, I myself would much rather read a real blog from a real person who is a quilter second, than all these "super happy!" "So exciting!" Cutesy posts that feel more and more like they are trying to sell you products.
As others have said, try to take care of yourself and appreciate the love that surrounds you.

Sara said...

Cancer sucks! Your are being a blessing to your family right now, and even a good model of LOVE that your children are observing. The creativity will come again and serve with healing when you are ready. Take care of yourself along the way.

Havplenty said...

I understand all that you are going through now. I went through similar circumstances with my father and his cancer several years ago. His cancer came back 3 times, once after radiation treatment, the 2nd time after surgery and the final time. My father was my pillar and yes it is hard to see this icon in our life wither before our eyes.

While I could do nothing to take away his circumstances, I stayed right by his side and we spent his last year as only a father and daughter can: we talked about everything under the sun, we reminisced, we shared, we traveled. My father was still pretty weak from his surgery but we took a cruise (i had planned a year earlier) and spent several days on a Bahamian resort. We watched the sun rise and the sun set. We took a sunset cruise. We talked more. We toured the Bahamas island. We talked more. We drank rum runners. We talked more. We stayed in FL for a day and walked along the beach. We talked more. My dad told me thank you when we were in the airport coming home. I told him I wouldn't have had it any other way.

There came a time he couldn't speak so we wrote notes to one another. I held his hands, I fed him, I sang to him. I showed him a daughter's love up until I no longer could. Through all of my hurt, pain and devastation, I reminded myself that no matter how bad it was for me, it was worst for him.

Keep doing what you can for your father. Keep showering him with love. Keep encouraging him through his trials. Keep yourself grounded. Watch over your health. Find a happy place for your father and yourself to revisit whether reminiscing through pictures or visiting a loved place. Whatever that may be. Watch some sunrises and some sunsets together. Share a special desert or listen to some special music together. The doctors are doing what they can to manage his physical health. Do what you can to elevate his mental health.

I offer my prayers to you and your family.

tushay3 (at) yahoo (dot) com

Lauretta6 said...

I know that there are no words....Live each day...

Ingrid said...

Querida Rachel:
Lamento mucho que tú y tu familia, especialmente tu papi estén pasando por esa situación. Como tú bien dices, la vida es a veces dura. Has sido muy valiente en contarnos por lo que están pasando. Algo tan personal. Pero me contenta que lo hagas, porque así te encontrarás con nosotras: Las que hemos transitado ese camino por el cual transitas tú hoy. Quiero que sepas que te acompaño en tus sentimientos y desde aquí oro por toda tu familia, porque el cáncer no sólo de da a la persona que lo padece, sino que toda la familia se ve afectada al ver a su ser querido sufriendo. En mi caso fue mi pequeña hija. Ella era una niña perfecta, sana, bella, alegre.... y de la noche a la mañana... cáncer en el cerebro. Ni me molesto en contarte los detalles. Ahora ella está con Dios, desde hace ya tres años. Al leerte, recordé esos días de hospital, de tristeza, de dolor, pero llenos de puro AMOR. Amor que yo dí y amor que recibí de personas que ni recordaba. Vinieron a mi a apoyarme moral y financieramente. Eso lo agradeceré hasta mi último día de existencia.
Desde aquí te envío un fuerte abrazo solidario de hermana, porque cuando una mujer pasa por esto, ahora la siento como hermana. Ya sabes. Ahora tienes una hermana en Venezuela.
Fuerza Rachel!

Kelly O. said...

My heart breaks for you. I too have been there. Honestly let my daddy go to be with the Lord 8 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't think of him or miss him. I felt blessed to have the time I did with him though... however if you had asked him, he'd rather been killed instantly in a bus crash.. but I treasured our long goodbye. Love your daddy like you never knew you could and quilting is the best therapy. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

Pattie D said...

Rachel
Cancer sucks! I so relate to your comment of watching as if it is someone else. I still don't think I could write as well as you did how this all feels and my mother has been gone 22 years last Thursday, and this Thursday we would be celebrating her 75 birthday...
Cancer steals so many things we hold precious and dear, but don't let it win! It might take your loved one, but don't let it snatch precious memories that can still be made. Take those I need to see my Daddy moments and make them great. They will be a comfort later! Know you are not alone and my the need to create continue on in you as you walk this road!
HUGS

KaHolly said...

You are in my thoughts, Rachel.

Susan Moore said...

Rachel, I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you, your father and your family.

Mary Kay said...

So sorry Rachel!! I retired from teaching one May and in July we found out that my up until then healthy mother had pancreatic cancer. Like you my world was destroyed. Being the daughter close to home, I took her to all chemo and radiation treatments. My life was lived in a fog. She lived 14 months. I am so thankful I got to spend that special time with her. I too hate cancer. Three years later I see women my mother's age and am bitter that my mother isn't here. It was my children and faith that kept me going. I have God's promise of heaven and seeing my mother again some day. Prayers to you

Eoin p Burke q said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. I can't even imagine the pain.

pinkquilter said...

Rachel you and your family are in my prayers ! Sweetie there are days that
Living one hour by hour is all we can do! Life throws us curve balls that we
Can't understand - don't want- it's then we have to rely on our higher being
To get us through each moment! Ask and ye shall receive ! Seek and ye shall
Find ! As hard as it is try to enjoy each day you have left with your father. And
All you can do is one step at a time! We your loyal fans will be waiting for you!
Until then we will be praying for you and your family!

karmyl said...

You and you family are in my thoughts. Please take care.

Material Girl said...

So sorry. I have walked in your shoes. I have experienced it all and felt all those things too. Someday you will look back and be glad that you were there for your dad. Prayers to you.

Moneik said...

Thank you for sharing your truthful journey. I was in your place just a few years ago and lost my mom to brain cancer. It's devastating to lose a parent, but you're so lucky to be able to spend the time with him. I did the same for my mom (my best friend) and I never regretted it for a day. After she passed it was easier for me to move on because I had spent the time and lived with her, through the good and the bad. Prayers to you and your family for strength in the journey.

Debra Graham said...

I am so sorry to hear your news. I will pray for you all. I went through something every similar with MY Dad and my heart breaks for you. Cancer is a horrible disease. Big Hugs

Hitch and Thread said...

I will add your family to my prayers. Share your love of him, with him, every day. My family did not speak of our emotions and I wish all the time I had told this to my Mum when I was caring for her. PS I Quilt is beautiful and inspiring because of who you are, not just because of what you make.

Cherib104 said...

Rachel, I know there are no words that will help in this situation. I lost my dad to that horrible monstrous disease 8 years ago. The process of the disease is heart wrenching. I knew we were very near the end when Dad called on my Birthday to apologize to me that he would not be able to attend my son's graduation from West Point and wedding 2 days after that. He needed my forgiveness (given gladly) and permission to let go (also given gladly). The pain had to stop, and he could no longer do the things he loved. He never wanted to be dependant on anyone for anything. Within 3 weeks he was gone. Know that you will get through this and that hugs and prayers are being sent your way. This quilting industry is full of those who care and we understand if you need time. Just know we are also here to send you support, hugs and prayers when you are ready.

Cheri

Nancy said...

So sorry to read of what you have been going through, and Yes....Cancer SUCKS !!!!! You wrote very well and from your heart, so it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. You went above and beyond to inform your followers. God Bless you and your Dad as you continue on this difficult journey. HUGS

cassandra said...

Big hugs to you and your family. Cancer really does suck. Here's to quilting therapy!

Outback Crafter - Debra said...

Rachel, my heart breaks for you.
I will pray for you all.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Debra

Tina Short said...

Hugs.... x

Bennett and Graves said...

No words, just thinking hugs to you. How lucky you are to have a daddy like yours, how grossly and horribly and unspeakably unfair for this to happen to him and his family.

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